DEAD ACTOR ALERT! JACK 'Pick up the gun' PALANCE - has stopped breathing long enough to be confirmed dead.

TED: Hey Frank, do you remember Jack Palance doing one armed push-ups at the Oscars?
FRANK: Yea, that was cool.
TED: Frank, I wonder if Big Jack is doing one armed push-ups in heaven?
FRANK: Er, he's dead Ted?
Ted: Yea, but I mean in heaven he might be doing one armed push-ups?
FRANK: What are you talking about Ted, he's dead? What's heaven?
TED: It's that place 100%s say they go to when they die.
FRANK: That's a morgue Ted.
TED: No Frank, I'm talking about that place where 100%s live forever after they die.
FRANK: Live forever - after they die?
TED: Yea.
FRANK: And in this place, do they get hungry after they eat?
TED: No, there's another place for that.
FRANK: WHAT! Ok, so, if they are dead, how do they breath?
TED: They don't need to, in heaven they've got no lungs.
FRANK: WHAT! ... so how do they breath?
TED: As I said, they don't need to, they've got no lungs.
FRANK: WHAT! What the hell are you talking about Ted? - Lungless human beings living forever after they die? That's crazy - that's horrific!
TED: Yea, but it would make a great zombie movie.

Ted Bonobo Reviews: The Aviator

He was mad, minted, and was riddled with Syphilis, what a guy. The aviator is about Howard Hughes.

He my friends was a legendary swordsman. He doinked every major film star of the 20,30,40 and 50's and this had nothing to do with the 50 squllion in cash he carried around with him.

So on to the film, in summary, Directs a movie, flies a plane, buys a film studio, nails Katherine Hepburn, plays some golf, buys an airline, builds a fookin Massive plane, and goes mad.

Don't know about you, but i see a lot of me in Howard Hughes, I think it's either the madness, or the fact I too have had rampant sex with Katherine Hepburn also, Ok she's been dead for 7 years, but man alive what a lay.

So back to the film, if you like airplanes, and madness, and the 30's and 40's, then this is for you.

But if your asking ol' Frank Bonobo, then I'd prefer to see a film about the later part of his crazy life. You know, Goes mad, grows finger nails, grows hair, buys Vegas, sells TWA, doesn't leave a hotel room for ten years, only communicates via hand written notes, and gets of his knackers on ship loads codeine, and morphine.

Now that my friends is what I call Living. (he died.)


Rating: Could and should of been so much better (a bit like Tears for Fears) I would like to see a film that concentrates on his spiraling personal madness. There is one major highlight, and that is Cate Blanchett playing Katherine Hepburn. She my funky friends is very special...

Bonobo Rating: Two Stuffed Bra's, and a shuttlecock down the pants. Should of been better than advertised.

Frank Bonobo Reviews: X- MEN, THE LAST STAND.

Last Stand? Thank fuck for that.
A bunch of tired actors walk through a shit film bored out of their minds, trying not to look too embarrassed, but comforted by their massive pay checks.
Review: Shit. The whole thing is a sorry, pointless mess; Angel is crowbared into the story (STORY!) just so that the special effects team can put a pair of big white wings on a topless guy, and what the fuck happens to the bald kid?
BONOBO RATING: I'd rather saw my cock off with a rusty metal comb and feed my balls to a zombie than sit through that shit again.

Hey Ted, take a look at this guy - Liew Thow Lin "Magnetic Man", metal sticks to his body without the use of million dollar special effects - he's the real Magneto.

Ted Bonobo Reviews: HULK

I FUCKING LOVE THIS FILM. Big green men make me squirt.

So you know the score, mild mannered geeza goes Postal Green when someone gets his beef. What makes this film great? Ang Lee, that's what. It's the simply the best Marvel comic to film adaptation ever. Fucking hell, it even does spilt screen just like a comic.

Now to my favorite film fact:

According to Industrial Light and Magic the Hulk would be able to exert 14 tons of pressure per square inch and thus smash through almost anything in his path. His skin is 10 times as strong as Kevlar. And if he wore shoes they would be size 87

Why people think this shit up is beyond me, what a waste of a life, do us all a favor and carp it you useless piece of donkey spunk.

Eric Bana plays the lead, and my god what a stupid name. I bet he didn't get teased at school, Eric Banana, banana boy, plantain twat.

Anyway back to the film, great action scenes do not drown the subtlety of this film, oh bollocks to that, time for a big green chick:



BONOBO MOVIE RATING: 9 Stainless Steel Phallus

Ted Bonobo Reviews: CLERKS

Shit idea, brilliant execution ! The dialogue rocks. An absoloute beaut of a film. Throughly terrific. Great Scene with the ex-girlfeind shagging a dead bloke in the Kazi.
Rating: B&W, Subtle, and based in a Newsagents. What more can a man want?
BONOBO RATING: 4 Big purple Shafts!

Frank Bonobo Reviews: ICHI THE KILLER

WOoHUMaNA! Fucking crazy violent surreal Japanese gangland slasher movie with heaps of blood and limbs and sexual fantasies made flesh. Based on a manga graphic novel of the same title it's a story about what happens when the ultimate masochist comes face to face with the ultimate sadist!
Rating: Oh-My-Days.
BONOBO RATING: Let me tell ya this - there are not enough HUGE cocks, tits and fannies in the WHOLE WIDE world to fully explain the delirious beauty of this sickening film - extraordinary performances all round especially from the two main protagonists, with the guy who plays the sadist Ichi giving the world of movies the most fucked up and greatest portrayal of an utterly derranged man EVER! Shit, Ted - Ted! I think i've pulled my cock clean off!

TED SAYS:
Frank, for fucks sake, stop panicking every time you pull your cock clean off, OURS GROW BACK!

FRANK SAYS:
Oh yea, sorry Ted, I keep forgetting, it's just that every time I pull it clean off the human part of my brain freaks out.