PLEASE WELCOME YOUR HOSTS - TED AND FRANK BONOBO!

Ted Bonobo: Hey Frank, I've got an Idea -
Frank Bonobo: Has it got anything to do with movies or sex?
Ted Bonobo: Both!
Frank Bonobo: FULL HOUSE! That's my kind of idea brother - what is it?
Ted Bonobo: Check it out; let's put our film reviews out there in blog world.
Frank Bonobo: What the fuck is blog world?
Ted Bonobo: It's a place in the sky created by imaginary beings, where a couple of sick, perverted, part human, part bonobo monkey, 98% fukin film critics, like us, can at last publish their twisted film reviews.
Frank Bonobo: Fuck Ted, good idea - I'll shoot a bucket full to that!
Ted Bonobo: Here's a bucket.
Frank Bonobo: It's already full.
Ted Bonobo: Sorry, here - try this one.
Frank Bonobo: HoOp-HoOp-EckaKa-OooHeeHeEHip-ROSEwest...aah-KAA-SPLONk! Cheers. Now, let's get to work!

LAST NIGHT TED BONOBO GOT DRUNK AND TALKED TO THE DEVIL:

HE SAID "HEY! MR DEVIL-MAN! HOW ABOUT YOU WRITE A MOVIE REVIEW FOR MOVIE BONOBO!?"

THE LORD OF DARKNESS REPLIED "SURE TED, YOU FUKIN FREE WILL-LESS GENE MACHINE, HOW ABOUT 'I ROBOT' ?"

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ALL THE WAY FROM HELL, JUST TO REVIEW A MOVIE FOR US TONIGHT - PLEASE WELCOME, OUR VERY SPECIAL GUEST REVIEWER - SATAN!

Ooh, it's a little chilly in here, could you possibly turn the heating up a tad? Just for tonight? No? Fine, sure, I suppose if it's warm enough for you two, then thaRk's ok - it's just that, if you don't turn tha heating up, erm, how can ONE put this...? ONE, might geeet a little - upset?

Yes, that's much better, thaRk you. Right then - Thank you Ted and Frank Bonobo, I hereby offer you my rARkview of the movie harK-en-thom-DriM-idiS, sorry guys, slight cold, 'cough', the movie - I Robot.

Publius Balbinus Reviews I,Robot (geddin jiggy wid it)

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consetetur sadipscing elitr, sed diam nonumy eirmod tempor invidunt ut labore et dolore magna aliquyam erat, sed diam voluptua. At vero eos et accusam et justo duo dolores et ea rebum. Stet clita kasd gubergren, no sea takimata sanctus est Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consetetur sadipscing elitr, sed diam nonumy eirmod tempor invidunt ut labore et dolore magna aliquyam erat, sed diam voluptua. At vero eos et accusam et justo duo dolores et ea rebum. Stet clita kasd gubergren, no sea takimata sanctus est Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consetetur sadipscing elitr, sed diam nonumy eirmod tempor invidunt ut labore et dolore magna aliquyam erat, sed diam voluptua. At vero eos et accusam et justo duo dolores et ea rebum. Stet clita kasd gubergren, no sea takimata sanctus est Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet.


Duis autem vel eum iriure dolor in hendrerit in vulputate velit esse molestie consequat, vel illum dolore eu feugiat nulla facilisis at vero eros et accumsan et iusto odio dignissim qui blandit praesent luptatum zzril delenit augue duis dolore te feugait nulla facilisi. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore magna aliquam erat volutpat.




Ut wisi enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exerci tation ullamcorper suscipit lobortis nisl ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis autem vel eum iriure dolor in hendrerit in vulputate velit esse molestie consequat, vel illum dolore eu feugiat nulla facilisis at vero eros et accumsan et iusto odio dignissim qui blandit praesent luptatum zzril delenit augue duis dolore te feugait nulla facilisi.

Nam liber tempor cum soluta nobis eleifend option congue nihil imperdiet doming id quod mazim placerat facer possim assum. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore magna aliquam erat volutpat. Ut wisi enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exerci tation ullamcorper suscipit lobortis nisl ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat.

Duis autem vel eum iriure dolor in hendrerit in vulputate velit esse molestie consequat, vel illum dolore eu feugiat nulla facilisis.

At vero eos et accusam et justo duo dolores et ea rebum. Stet clita kasd gubergren, no sea takimata sanctus est Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consetetur sadipscing elitr, sed diam nonumy eirmod tempor invidunt ut labore et dolore magna aliquyam erat, sed diam voluptua. At vero eos et accusam et justo duo dolores et ea rebum. Stet clita kasd gubergren, no sea takimata sanctus est Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consetetur sadipscing elitr, At accusam aliquyam diam diam dolore dolores duo eirmod eos erat, et nonumy sed tempor et et invidunt justo labore Stet clita ea et gubergren, kasd magna no rebum. sanctus sea sed takimata ut vero voluptua. est Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consetetur sadipscing elitr, sed diam nonumy eirmod tempor invidunt ut labore et dolore magna aliquyam erat.


Cuntus!

PLEASE WELCOME YOUR HOSTS - TED AND FRANK BONOBO!

OUR CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE, THEREFORE OUR FUTURE, IS FUCKED. PLEASE WELCOME OUR GUEST REVIEWER - HORMONAL PETE.

Yea, cheers Ted and Frank, I'm gonna review the film Hostle. But bear this in mind, i'm going through a rather tricky stage in my physical and emotional development towards adulthood, my fucking hormones 'ave gone ballistic an me anchor of self knowledge and identity appears to be made outta fucking rubber. Anyway - ta for this oppotunity, bruvs.

Hormonal Pete Reviews: HOSTEL

This film was fucking brilliant bruvs, it 'ad loads of tits and sex in it, an it had people doing drugs an stuff an sex an tits an they even say the word 'clit' which is brilliant bruv init? The first part is set in Hamster Dam an it must be the real Hamster Dam 'cause it look right like it, it's got modle whores in windows begging for it with great tits and they can't wait for it - I can't wait to go when I get me passport sorted. An that's just like the start of it, but the tits and sex an drugs an stuff begining lasts for enough time to fit in at least four wanks, maybe more if you're like me, I can just shoot the cunt out all the time - BLAM! I was fucking like wank BLAM! wank BLAM! wank BLAM! BLAM! - rewind the cunt film and fucking blam bruv wank wank wank BLAM! again, bitch wants it, don't she? I mean - FUCKING LOOK AT HER!


Den the second part is all like fingers getting cut off and legs drilled and shit, an fucking 'eads coming off and these cunts getting well fucked up and tortured, it's brilliant, an the best bit is when this Chinese bird gets her fucking eye burnt out with some kind of hot tool thing, fucking eye is hanging out of her face ha! I'm like fucking wank BLAM! wank BLAM! wank BLAM! BLAM! rewind that bit and fucking blam bruv, you know it man, you know it, I got no problem shooting it out, do it on demand no prob.



My older brother watched it later an I go "Well, what you recon bruv?", an he gives it all this shit about 'ow it's a failed attempt at an 'homage' to early 80's gore feast horror film genre, an 'ow it lacks any tangible suspense, any visceral tension, an he goes on about 'ow the writer an director has lazily tried to shock and sicken the viewer with cheap graphic rubber hand scenes, rather than experiment in an adult way with psychological fear an ontological quilt and confusion which is never more than a small stone throw away from the surface of far superior extreme violent asian movies such as Ichi The Killer, Audition, Visitor Q, and the sublime Old Boy (he reckons apparently one of these Jap directors makes a cameo in Hostle, Takashi Miike fucking Mouse or sumthink?). I go to him "Psychological fear an ontological guilt an confusion? What, like a ghost in your brain an shit?" an he goes to me "Yes, exactly, like a ghost in your brain - and shit," Sick cunt.

Yea, so, cheers bruvs, yea.

Frank Bonobo Reviews: BROTHERHOOD

NO! NO! NO! HELP ME TED, Ted my brother - ted I am - CRYING!
And these godforsaken fukin tears won't STOP! I am sobbing like a fucking pussy Ted. It only really happened to me near the end, but when it did I broke down more times than a funk beat.

What a great movie, how dare it do this to me, me - FRANK BONOBO, crying like a little girl who can't find her mummy, like a little girl who finally finds her mummy only to be told that her daddy has now gone missing, like a little girl who then finds her father on a sunny Monday morning only to be told he has cancer of the arse and won't make it to Friday - her birthday.
Fuck, what a great movie. So what's it about? It's about love, the love of two brothers. It's set against the Korean War, but that is unimportant, as the film is not interested in the politics of that war. This film states quite clearly to the viewer, "If you want the politics of the Korean War go buy a fukin book titled 'The Politics of The Korean War'." No, what this film is interested in is the love of two brothers, yea it touches on all the usual epic war movie themes i.e. how war turns men into savages; how close friends can be turned against each other; how pride and honour are manipulated and twisted into tools of mass destruction - but what Brotherhood is really about is the fierce, true brotherly love of two brothers caught up in a nightmare.
Aah Christ Ted I love ya, the tears, the damn tears are a coming again.

Great acting, jaw dropping battle choreography, intense close up hand to hand fighting, horrifying carnage, massive body count, how no one died on set underneath all the exploding earth and mortar, I have no fuking idea? Five million people were said to have died in the Korean War and I think they've got 'em all in this movie.
As usual, if you want to know more about the plot, go see the movie - in the past Ted and I have violently fuked to the point of murder and then beyond many fools who have giving away too much plot, and in the future we will merrily do the same.

RATING: If you truely love your brother you will love this movie, and if you don't cry buckets full, you either have no brother, or he's a dick.
BONOBO RATING: 5 million tears.

Director: Kang Jue Kyn
Cast: Jang Dong-Geon, Won bin, Lee Eujoo and 25,000 fukin extras (That's a fact!).

PLEASE WELCOME YOUR HOSTS - TED AND FRANK BONOBO!

HE SELLS HAND-MADE 'PISS PISTOLS' IN ONE OF OUR COMPOUND'S SHOPS - PLEASE WELCOME OUR GUEST REVIEWER - WEE-WEE GUUN!

Flank you Ted an Fwank I is so ferry exighted to be weviewing a filim for you that I wee-weed stwaight in one of ma Piss Pistols an squirt it in ma face an on ma berry. Bellow pwease find ma weview of A Scanner Darkly.

Wee-Wee Guun! Reviews: A SCANNER DARKLY

Ok yea, I chose dis filim because of tha gwoovee animation type pictures on tha cover, which just go to show dat you should never judge a filim by its cover - ha you like? I fought dat dere will be some animation in tha filim at certain appropiate point, if I had know dat it were car-oon effect for tha whole entiwity of filim I would ave drop some acid tab an watch flukin 'Rush' instead.

It start stwaight away wit car-oon painted over real life actor an I fink to myself 'oh dat was quick I fought I will have to wait a while for dat,' so den I fink tha car-oon effect will stop once this man come off tha drug - one hour later and IT STILL ALL FLUKIN CAR-OON! It were like someone show the diwecta Wichar Linglaka (Director Richard Linklater - Ed) wat he could now do wit dis intapolated wotoscopy (interpolated rotoscopy - Ed) animation process an Wichar (Richard, oh fuck it work it out for yourself - Ed) go ok I will use this - he use it in earlier filim of his too you know yea - an den his wife she see it an love it so much dat she say to Wichar if you not use this car-oon effect for whole of filim then I will never wee wee on you again Wichar; and NO MAN could EVER face living out the WEST of this traumatic, macabre, nightmarish existence without the safety valve of knowing that when all seems hopeless and lost their is at least someone you love dearly who will wee wee on you. (failing dat you can buy one of ma Piss Pistols they come in all diffawan shap an size just like a willy do.)


Ok yea, there is some funny stoner humour but even dis is ruin by the ever present car-oon effect because it make me forget dat they are fink and say these things that way because they are off heads; it is like if you watch Daffy Duck yea he is always mental, an so if you give Daffy Duck some drug you will no see diffawance because he is still mental: I wonce see a Daffy Duck car-oon yea where he come bouncing out of a duck pond on his head and come wight up to camera and say 'Pass me the ketcup, i'm gonna take a shower,' dat is mental.

Ok yea, Phil Dick's novel was a comment on 1960s drug addled counter-culture an tha Blig Blover government turning America and the World into State of Police, but dis is lost in da filim, it drown out and submerge as it is beneath all tha funny frolickin and incesantly drug craze twitchy acting which very quickly become very tiresome to me an made me ave to go an squirt wee wee on my face an a couple of times in ma mouth to wake up. Toward tha end of filim yea the diweca seem to at last remember the social commentawe aspeck of tha book and so we are suddenly punched in tha face (well it actually feel more like a slight push in tha back) wit allusions to how Government uses drugs to pacify the people keeping them blind to the bligga picture and how weeligion (religion, I think? - Ed) is in itself just another type of narcotic.

Ok yea, finally I want to just point outward dat in dis filim Keanu Reeves is yet again - FLUKIN SHIT. Yea incweadibilly even tha wotoscopy animation is fail to animate him. I would never piss on him, he is a wubbish ranker.

Rating is: It were ok - 5 Piss Pistols out of a poss 10.
( '...every thought you have creates its own reality...' - Slacker) Slacker still Mr Linglaka's best fought.

Flank you Ted an Fwank for dis opotune, I am now go to take won of ma special shower.

PLEASE WELCOME YOUR HOSTS - TED AND FRANK BONOBO!

Ted Bonobo Reviews: VANILLA SKY

Cracking Film. About a really succesfull good looking stud, who gets mutilated in a car crash, and his life falls apart BRILLIANT !
He ends up killing someone whilst shafting her, and it turns out in the end that he was in a computer game, or something. Or Something else, still cant work out the end.
Rating: High Brow Total recall, you get to see Penople Cruz's puffy nipples.
BONOBO RATING: 2 Pulsating Bell Ends.

FRANK'S GOTTA QUESTION FOR TED:
Hey Ted, question for ya, the photograph here of Tom and P Nipples - isn't it a take on a Bob Dylan album cover?

TED'S GOTTA ANSWER FOR FRANK:
Hey Frank, at first I thought yea, ok, maybe it looks a bit like the the cover photo on the album Freewheelin' Bob Dylan, then I took a closer look - check out the parked VW!


What's going on here Frank, a simple homage to The Man?
Or is this the work of Lizards?

FRANK SAYS:
You know what Ted, Tom C has beliefs very similar to David Icke's; Infact that Scientology bullshit makes David Icke's beliefs look almost plausible! - Hey, how about this for a movie: L. Ron Hubbard's Aliens V David Icke's 4th Dimension Lizards in - THE ULTIMATE BATTLE OF WRONG IDEAS (let's not mention those other silly religions, it's a tricky time for all wrong 100%'s).

P.S FROM FRANK: Those creepy guys and girls from the Icelandic band Sigur Ros, provide a splendidly atmospheric soundtrack to this movie.

Frank Bonobo Reviews: OLD BOY

WOoOP ! WOoOP ! AAAAAAAH-HOoOManNA !
OLD BOY - OH BOY ! WHAT A MOVIE !
Review: This is what it's all about. Asia cinema does it again. Here's another great movie delivered to us by Tartan Asia Extreme, surely the most consistantly mind blowing movie postman in the galaxy ! Asia cinema rocks like a hundred million stone Jimmy Hendrixs. What's Old Boy all about? At first glance it's a violent movie about love, incest, and revenge, but glance again and you will see that it's a movie about the all consuming power of memories and their malleability.
Ted, my brain bones are scorched, I gotta go and pull all me teeth out and lie down in me own damp mouth, on me own soft tounge ... what a fuckin movie, I think I'll try to come up with an advert for Tartan Asia Extreme movies.
BONOBO RATING: 100 FLESHY TOOLED HAMMERS.

2 hrs later:
Hey Ted, Here's my advert for Tartan Asia Extreme movies:

" Hi, I'm Frank Bonobo, part man, part bonobo monkey, 98% fuckin film critic, and whenever I feel like sitting paralysed in my own piss, in a dark room, with my mouth hanging open, I reach for a ' Tartan Asia Extreme Movie Product '.
- Tartan Asia Extreme Movie Products, they never fail to impress. "

What do you think Ted? Yea, me too - I'll fax it to 'em right now.