PLEASE WELCOME YOUR HOSTS - TED AND FRANK BONOBO!

Ted Bonobo: Hey Frank, I've got an Idea -
Frank Bonobo: Has it got anything to do with movies or sex?
Ted Bonobo: Both!
Frank Bonobo: FULL HOUSE! That's my kind of idea brother - what is it?
Ted Bonobo: Check it out; let's put our film reviews out there in blog world.
Frank Bonobo: What the fuck is blog world?
Ted Bonobo: It's a place in the sky created by imaginary beings, where a couple of sick, perverted, part human, part bonobo monkey, 98% fukin film critics, like us, can at last publish their twisted film reviews.
Frank Bonobo: Fuck Ted, good idea - I'll shoot a bucket full to that!
Ted Bonobo: Here's a bucket.
Frank Bonobo: It's already full.
Ted Bonobo: Sorry, here - try this one.
Frank Bonobo: HoOp-HoOp-EckaKa-OooHeeHeEHip-ROSEwest...aah-KAA-SPLONk! Cheers. Now, let's get to work!

LAST NIGHT TED BONOBO GOT DRUNK AND TALKED TO THE DEVIL:

HE SAID "HEY! MR DEVIL-MAN! HOW ABOUT YOU WRITE A MOVIE REVIEW FOR MOVIE BONOBO!?"

THE LORD OF DARKNESS REPLIED "SURE TED, YOU FUKIN FREE WILL-LESS GENE MACHINE, HOW ABOUT 'I ROBOT' ?"

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ALL THE WAY FROM HELL, JUST TO REVIEW A MOVIE FOR US TONIGHT - PLEASE WELCOME, OUR VERY SPECIAL GUEST REVIEWER - SATAN!

Ooh, it's a little chilly in here, could you possibly turn the heating up a tad? Just for tonight? No? Fine, sure, I suppose if it's warm enough for you two, then thaRk's ok - it's just that, if you don't turn tha heating up, erm, how can ONE put this...? ONE, might geeet a little - upset?

Yes, that's much better, thaRk you. Right then - Thank you Ted and Frank Bonobo, I hereby offer you my rARkview of the movie harK-en-thom-DriM-idiS, sorry guys, slight cold, 'cough', the movie - I Robot.

Publius Balbinus Reviews I,Robot (geddin jiggy wid it)

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Cuntus!

PLEASE WELCOME YOUR HOSTS - TED AND FRANK BONOBO!

OUR CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE, THEREFORE OUR FUTURE, IS FUCKED. PLEASE WELCOME OUR GUEST REVIEWER - HORMONAL PETE.

Yea, cheers Ted and Frank, I'm gonna review the film Hostle. But bear this in mind, i'm going through a rather tricky stage in my physical and emotional development towards adulthood, my fucking hormones 'ave gone ballistic an me anchor of self knowledge and identity appears to be made outta fucking rubber. Anyway - ta for this oppotunity, bruvs.

Hormonal Pete Reviews: HOSTEL

This film was fucking brilliant bruvs, it 'ad loads of tits and sex in it, an it had people doing drugs an stuff an sex an tits an they even say the word 'clit' which is brilliant bruv init? The first part is set in Hamster Dam an it must be the real Hamster Dam 'cause it look right like it, it's got modle whores in windows begging for it with great tits and they can't wait for it - I can't wait to go when I get me passport sorted. An that's just like the start of it, but the tits and sex an drugs an stuff begining lasts for enough time to fit in at least four wanks, maybe more if you're like me, I can just shoot the cunt out all the time - BLAM! I was fucking like wank BLAM! wank BLAM! wank BLAM! BLAM! - rewind the cunt film and fucking blam bruv wank wank wank BLAM! again, bitch wants it, don't she? I mean - FUCKING LOOK AT HER!


Den the second part is all like fingers getting cut off and legs drilled and shit, an fucking 'eads coming off and these cunts getting well fucked up and tortured, it's brilliant, an the best bit is when this Chinese bird gets her fucking eye burnt out with some kind of hot tool thing, fucking eye is hanging out of her face ha! I'm like fucking wank BLAM! wank BLAM! wank BLAM! BLAM! rewind that bit and fucking blam bruv, you know it man, you know it, I got no problem shooting it out, do it on demand no prob.



My older brother watched it later an I go "Well, what you recon bruv?", an he gives it all this shit about 'ow it's a failed attempt at an 'homage' to early 80's gore feast horror film genre, an 'ow it lacks any tangible suspense, any visceral tension, an he goes on about 'ow the writer an director has lazily tried to shock and sicken the viewer with cheap graphic rubber hand scenes, rather than experiment in an adult way with psychological fear an ontological quilt and confusion which is never more than a small stone throw away from the surface of far superior extreme violent asian movies such as Ichi The Killer, Audition, Visitor Q, and the sublime Old Boy (he reckons apparently one of these Jap directors makes a cameo in Hostle, Takashi Miike fucking Mouse or sumthink?). I go to him "Psychological fear an ontological guilt an confusion? What, like a ghost in your brain an shit?" an he goes to me "Yes, exactly, like a ghost in your brain - and shit," Sick cunt.

Yea, so, cheers bruvs, yea.

Frank Bonobo Reviews: BROTHERHOOD

NO! NO! NO! HELP ME TED, Ted my brother - ted I am - CRYING!
And these godforsaken fukin tears won't STOP! I am sobbing like a fucking pussy Ted. It only really happened to me near the end, but when it did I broke down more times than a funk beat.

What a great movie, how dare it do this to me, me - FRANK BONOBO, crying like a little girl who can't find her mummy, like a little girl who finally finds her mummy only to be told that her daddy has now gone missing, like a little girl who then finds her father on a sunny Monday morning only to be told he has cancer of the arse and won't make it to Friday - her birthday.
Fuck, what a great movie. So what's it about? It's about love, the love of two brothers. It's set against the Korean War, but that is unimportant, as the film is not interested in the politics of that war. This film states quite clearly to the viewer, "If you want the politics of the Korean War go buy a fukin book titled 'The Politics of The Korean War'." No, what this film is interested in is the love of two brothers, yea it touches on all the usual epic war movie themes i.e. how war turns men into savages; how close friends can be turned against each other; how pride and honour are manipulated and twisted into tools of mass destruction - but what Brotherhood is really about is the fierce, true brotherly love of two brothers caught up in a nightmare.
Aah Christ Ted I love ya, the tears, the damn tears are a coming again.

Great acting, jaw dropping battle choreography, intense close up hand to hand fighting, horrifying carnage, massive body count, how no one died on set underneath all the exploding earth and mortar, I have no fuking idea? Five million people were said to have died in the Korean War and I think they've got 'em all in this movie.
As usual, if you want to know more about the plot, go see the movie - in the past Ted and I have violently fuked to the point of murder and then beyond many fools who have giving away too much plot, and in the future we will merrily do the same.

RATING: If you truely love your brother you will love this movie, and if you don't cry buckets full, you either have no brother, or he's a dick.
BONOBO RATING: 5 million tears.

Director: Kang Jue Kyn
Cast: Jang Dong-Geon, Won bin, Lee Eujoo and 25,000 fukin extras (That's a fact!).